The thrill of the chased

Just after the breakup, I wrote about the ego boost of being fancied by strangers on the Internet. It’s a buzz; to know someone finds you attractive, to receive compliments, to think there might be a new relationship. But in those early days, I was just using it as a crutch. I recognise this is wrong, but those fleeting messages with strangers never got any further than one or two days worth of empty platitudes and small talk.

But now as times moves on and the prospect of a real new relationship feels more enticing, I think I’ve come to realise that I’m one of those wankers who likes to be chased.

The story so far: I went on two dates with a man. I enjoyed his company, but maybe wasn’t ready to date and maybe didn’t find him attractive. I said ‘thanks but no thanks’. A month later, after a very boring first date with a different man I contacted the first man, realising that the first man was probably actually pretty cool. We talked. We met up. We continue to text.

Before my ‘no thank you’, we were texting all day every day, sometimes to the point of boredom. After my attempt to rekindle, we speak less often and in lower volume. Intellectually, I can recognise that this is great – it’s less intense, gives more space, and it means that any conversations are more interesting because we’re skipping the minutiae.

But! And this is the crucial bit. I liked that there was someone who wanted to message me all the time. Someone to ask me about every little aspect of my day. Of course I reciprocated, and that’s quite fun too! Having a person who wants to involve me in their life.

So now that there’s fewer messages , I feel less wanted. I make more effort to start conversation and to try and be more sparkling or interesting or knowledgeable. It makes each interaction feel more charged. Not necessarily sexually, just that there’s more pressure to fit all the personality into a handful of texts rather than a day’s worth.

I’m also conscious that I feel more attracted to him, and I’m thinking more about kissing him.

Is this shallow? Am I being horrible for making more effort only when I felt like he was cooling off? Is this a technique on his part, kinda like playing hard to get? Is this just a natural response to me saying ‘no thank you’ before, because I initially rejected him?

Am I analysing too much? (Again.)

The proof will be in the pudding. I’m seeing him on Saturday. It’ll be our fourth time of meeting. Let’s see what happens.

Saying no and being picky

So I’ve been on a date. There was a little bit of ‘it’s not him’, but mainly a lot of ‘I don’t think I find you attractive’. He was a brilliant person, bright and funny and friendly. But just not for me.

We had a second date. Bright and funny and friendly. But I was able to say no thank you – politely, kindly, succinctly.

It was revolutionary. I don’t often say no to anybody. With the ex, he was my first ever date and then we were together for five years. In being the dumpee, I had no power in the breakup. Looking back, I had more concerns than I’d ever even articulated to myself. But by being dumped, I wasn’t able to process that. I was only able to feel grief.

So I said no thank you to this lovely man. It was the right decision, but with predictable anxiety, I’ve managed to stress over the decision in the weeks following.

It’s good to know that these things can be amicable. I have a baseline fear of being spoken to rudely or angrily, and I was so grateful that he took my decision with grace. I think I’ll need to unpick at a later time why I might be so scared of being shouted at.

The Internet dating continues. Lots of people are a bit weird. But then again, so am I.

Fun, flirty and under thirty

I’ve rejoined Tinder. It was on the insistence of a friend, so over some fried chicken, we made a profile for me.

The pictures look good. I think I’ve gotten the correct mixture of insouciance with some genuine information about me thrown in there. I tend to refuse to put down my job, because I feel like working in healthcare, it’s important to keep a professional appearance in all public spaces if I have my job title attached to me.

Some observations: lots of couples looking for threesomes. Lots of kinky people who use their kink as their entire profile. Lots of people who use ‘gym’ as their only hobby in life.

Some surprises: no genital pictures! Only one overt reference to someone wanting to have sex with me. Lots of people who are happy just to have a chat. No women who are matching back with me… Unsure what to feel about that last one.

This is the longest since the breakup that I’ve stayed on a dating app, so I suppose it shows I’m a little bit more ready. One man did ask me what I wanted, and I answered (with surprising honesty) that I wanted some flirtiness and some dates. That’s quite nice, really. To be ready for the idea of just hanging out with people and seeing where it might lead.

A friend came to visit today. She’s been in a relationship with her boyfriend for a few years, and they’re a little bit patchy at the moment. It’s been good to talk to someone about some of the shitty feelings that can crop up, even though we’re in different situations.

We went to see a fireworks display. I adore fireworks, and the ex used to love watching me love fireworks. It’s a time when I’d feel genuinely loved by him. I’d catch him watching me with a dopey smile, and it’s sad that I’ll never see him look at me like that again.

So I watched the fireworks feeling a little bit heartbroken. But then went to a shop and bought alcohol and chocolate with my two friends. We came home and watched a terrible Christmas movie (because November=Christmas apparently), and I was reminded that even if I’m not loved by him, I am loved.

I’m less sad today

I woke up at 11am to my mother poking me and telling me she was going out shopping. I picked up my phone and I looked at rubbish and thought about my new reality as a single person, and just how strange and new that feels. I thought about the new freedom I have and how heady and terrifying that is. Then I had a wee and ate two apples (but not at the same time).

I’m not quite so sad today. I’ve watched my second Adam Sandler movie in two days and realised that his movies make me think about my dead father, which is a nice thing because it’s lovely to have little reminders of my dad every so often. Thinking of a parent’s death also puts a relationship break down into context, because neither of us have died and that’s pretty nice. I don’t even feel like someone has died today, so that’s also pretty nice.

Not quite so nice that my best friend has decided to leave me, but I think that’s okay.

Last night I downloaded Tinder and Match promptly freaked out. Over the last five years, I’m aware that the dating game has changed. I know that I’ve changed too, but it’s very different when you have the smiling pictures in dating profiles looking up at you at 1am.

I mentioned the headiness. It’s exhilarating to think of kissing somebody new, a faceless amorphous somebody who will hopefully not mind my chubbiness or my lack of willing to wax every piece of body hair I have.

He didn’t mind that, and it makes me sad (again) that he’s gone.

But, he was shorter than me, which is easy enough when you’re 5’9. And he didn’t earn much money, which worried a small and secret part of my mind that only comes out at night. He was white, and I am brown, which sometimes concerned me that he would never quite understand some parts of my history.

He was also kind to me, and he was talented. He showed me the delights of live music, and he introduced me to some friends who I hope I’ll be able to keep.

I deleted the dating apps. I’m not ready for somebody new, and I do want to grasp the freedom I have. I might well download them again in the future, but for now, I’ll try and enjoy the boundless possibilities in front of me.