Feeling like I need someone

So my grandmother is ill. She has been for a while. My whole life, she’s had heart issues, diabetes and a whole host of other things that have made her life hard. More recently, she’s suffering from dementia and Alzheimers, and it’s these that people are finding hardest to cope with.

I don’t live in the same city as her, but I try to call and visit when my stupid shift pattern allows. My mum, her eldest daughter, lives closer and so tries to visit and stay for a few days every couple of weeks.

I’ve just gotten off the phone with them. My uncle is shouting at my grandmother for crying in pain. My mother is shouting at him, but also telling me that my grandmother has been crying all day so this isn’t new. I spoke to my grandmother – she’s trying to sound brave but she’s sobbing.

I can’t go up there as I don’t have the time, and I’m not safe to drive at the moment as I’m knackered after night shifts.

I’m so sad for my grandmother, and angry at her children for shouting at her when she needs patience, no matter how trying that is.

I’m pissed off at myself, because all I want to do is phone my ex-boyfriend and tell him all about it, and listen to him help me with solutions.

Although I love where I live, and the life and job that I have, I can very keenly feel the distance between me and my family and friends right now.