Hesitant to talk

I feel quite insular. I think I’ve concluded that over December and into the New Year, I probably did have a bout of depression. It’s something that I’m annoyed about, but I don’t think there’s inherent harm in recognising it or acknowledging it.

Looking back, it was recognisable by lethargy. I just wanted to be alone in my house, sitting very still and aimlessly scrolling through social media. That behaviour alone isn’t new for me. But the willingness to do it for days and days on end was a bit of a problem.

Work was hard, speaking to family and friends was hard. I didn’t want to go to the gym and work with my personal trainer. I just wanted to be alone.

This isn’t directly related to being dumped. I think I was suffering from the forced introspection of the end of the year. I can’t say that I had a bad year because I’ve achieved some good things. It’s just it wasn’t the greatest year of my life.

So I was hesitant to talk to my family and friends, partly because of apathy and partly because I didn’t know what to say. I was hesitant to talk to randomers on dating apps, because if I wasn’t feeling sparkling and sexy, what could I offer to prospective new partners?

I could have talked to the ex, although there are long standing feelings of weirdness around how much is normal to discuss with him. Turns out he has similar issues, so I feel like we need to talk about how much we want to talk to each other. But then we’d have to talk, and how can we talk if we’re hesitant to talk? What a stupid cycle.

Feeling like I need someone

So my grandmother is ill. She has been for a while. My whole life, she’s had heart issues, diabetes and a whole host of other things that have made her life hard. More recently, she’s suffering from dementia and Alzheimers, and it’s these that people are finding hardest to cope with.

I don’t live in the same city as her, but I try to call and visit when my stupid shift pattern allows. My mum, her eldest daughter, lives closer and so tries to visit and stay for a few days every couple of weeks.

I’ve just gotten off the phone with them. My uncle is shouting at my grandmother for crying in pain. My mother is shouting at him, but also telling me that my grandmother has been crying all day so this isn’t new. I spoke to my grandmother – she’s trying to sound brave but she’s sobbing.

I can’t go up there as I don’t have the time, and I’m not safe to drive at the moment as I’m knackered after night shifts.

I’m so sad for my grandmother, and angry at her children for shouting at her when she needs patience, no matter how trying that is.

I’m pissed off at myself, because all I want to do is phone my ex-boyfriend and tell him all about it, and listen to him help me with solutions.

Although I love where I live, and the life and job that I have, I can very keenly feel the distance between me and my family and friends right now.