Not so easy

It’s been about two weeks since I had the first date that I thought was successful, and four days since we last spoke. There still exists a little glimmer of hope within me that this dude will message again, but as time goes on, I think I just need to come to peace with the fact that I was used for sex.

That sounds so dramatic. It was completely consensual and fun. It was a choice and it was enjoyable. In a lot of ways, I like the fact that I’ve now slept with more than one person in my life (wow, 3!) because there’s less mystique around the whole concept.

I don’t like the fact that he was less chatty after we slept together. I don’t like the fact that it felt like it could have gone somewhere. I don’t like the fact that I feel easy and guilty and I’m still checking my WhatsApp – just in case he might have messaged and I didn’t see it.

My relationship with my ex boyfriend started in such a linear way, so I think I’ve expected any subsequent relationship to be easy as well. With the ex, we had four dates before we kissed. He asked me to be his girlfriend a week later. We slept together after. We were together for five years. Granted, we didn’t do the whole ‘marriage and babies’ thing. But the beginning at least was very straightforward.

So I think this has skewed me. I’d never had to do the serial dates and the little disappointments and the mini heartbreaks.

I have to keep reminding myself that it’s been less than a year since I was dumped. I don’t need to find my next person so swiftly. I can enjoy this stage or dating and meeting lots of people. I can enjoy the sleeping with people. (If only I could get rid of this stupid guilt).

A friend at work said that she likes this feeling. She likes the uncertainty that occurs before the mundanity sets in.

But maybe I’m just a mundane person.

Using and used. Chasing and chased.

I’m embarrassing myself.

I hate feeling needy, or like I need someone else for validation. I don’t want to depend on someone else’s words or actions to make me feel better, or pretty, or interesting.

So I had the successful date nearly a week ago. It’s mad that it’s already nearly a week ago, and it’s gone so quickly. We saw each other on the Friday, slept together on the Saturday, and have had boring surface level conversations since Sunday.

I was sad about this. I was telling friends about how I felt sad, and how it was upsetting me that the content of his messages had changed. It had moved from ‘Hey beautiful :)’ to ‘Hello, how’s work?’

God, even writing that down I feel petty. I feel embarrassed. I feel petty and embarrassed that I care what someone who, ultimately, I’ve met twice thinks about me. Or how he makes me feel. I’ve told friends about this. The advice varies from ‘just sleep with a lot of people’ to ‘this probably means you’re soulmates, keep messaging him’.

I feel a subtle shift in the content of his messages, and I don’t like that. There’s only so many times I can ask to meet again, or to try and be funny and engaging with little response before I think maybe this isn’t it.

I still have this guilt about having slept with two new people. I firmly believe that if a friend told me she’d slept with half of the world’s population, I wouldn’t judge her. But because it’s me, I feel like I’m being slutty or wrong. There’s also a part of me that feels used, because that’s now two men who’ve slept with me and then been cold in further messages.

But, if to some degree I was using them for validation, or attention, or sex, does it matter that they’re using me too? Do I care that I’m an adult having short, adult, casual relationships following the end of a long term relationship?

I think the issue remains that I’m stuck in the mode of long term relationships. I’m used to having someone to message and care about. Someone who wants my attention, and will provide me with some validation.

So maybe I do need to sleep with a lot of people. Maybe I need to break this current mindset.

Or maybe I just need to find one long term partner and live happily ever after.

Watch this space.

Dating

I’ve had a lovely date tonight. With a different man to ‘the fling’.

It’s currently half past midnight, we spent nearly six hours together. We ate dinner – he educated me on sushi – and then we got drunk together at a bar. We each went to our separate homes.

He was flirty from the first Tinder message, but my brand of flirty. A littlr but awkward, but still forthcoming. A little bit nerdy, but still with clear intentions.

He touched my hand. He touched my arm. He guided me by the waist. I’m not generally a fan of these paternalistic, flirty manoeuvres. But this was pleasant. It’s nice to feel wanted and dainty and attractive.

He’s coming over tomorrow. I’m looking forward to it.

Second firsts

I met somebody on Tinder. It was never going to be a long lasting thing, but it was brilliant to have some new firsts, especially as what would have been my sixth anniversary approaches.

So.

My friend has developed a habit of swiping for me on dating apps. She’s married, and met her husband before the advent of dating apps, so it’s all a big novelty to her.

I can understand why: there’s so much weird humanity on display on Tinder. You get to view these strange little conceptions that people have made of themselves, and briefly you imagine a life with this person. You can think about what it would be like to be with a man who has a child already. Could I be a stepmother? Or a man who’s very into the gym. Would he make me more active? A woman who sings in a choir. Would she inspire my creativity? Of course there are terrible people, but there’s a little bit of the romantic in me that likes to imagine the many different lives that splinter into the horizon.

So.

My friend was swiping. She saw this man, and swiped right on him. And several others. She’s fairly indiscriminate. He and I start talking. It becomes flirty. He comes to my house one evening. That was a first for me.

But everything else that followed were second firsts. It’s exhilarating to know that someone fancied me, but also that I fancied someone. It’s exciting to kiss somebody different and notice the different feelings and emotions and sensations. It’s hilarious to have a hickey at the age of 27 and have people take the piss out of me at work.

So.

I relished the newness. I knew it would never be a long term thing. He has big grand life plans that take him far away from my brand of a quiet life in England. But again, that splintering of an alternate life was glimmering in the horizon, and I did think about following him to different countries, learning new languages and being more adventurous. Realistically, though, it’s not to be.

That first day, it revolutionised my thinking. I was so blown away that I could meet someone casually, and that it’s easy and fun and positive. It made me realise that I am an adult who can make adult decisions, and there could be more for me out there than falling into a long term monogamous relationship and firing out some babies.

Today we were talking and flirting all day. Nothing came of it, but I did ask about meeting again. To which he revealed that he’s out of the country as of Saturday.

I’d been discussing with my friends about the casual aspect of this encounter. It is great to have no commitment. I liked the way that I knew it was going to be a limited time. But I’d imagined the limited time would be a few months away and not two days away.

I’m feeling sad, presently. And I’d been so pleased with myself about all of those independent thoughts. So now to realise that maybe I liked him (or the way he made me feel) more than I’d thought is deflating.

So.

Has this been a good experience? I’ve proved to myself that I can have a different type of relationship or encounter that I’d thought. I’ve had it proved to me that I can be thought of as sexy or attractive by someone who isn’t my ex. I can have physical experiences I haven’t had for a long time.

The thing that’s troubling me is have I been used?

Or, actually, have I used someone else?

The thrill of the chased

Just after the breakup, I wrote about the ego boost of being fancied by strangers on the Internet. It’s a buzz; to know someone finds you attractive, to receive compliments, to think there might be a new relationship. But in those early days, I was just using it as a crutch. I recognise this is wrong, but those fleeting messages with strangers never got any further than one or two days worth of empty platitudes and small talk.

But now as times moves on and the prospect of a real new relationship feels more enticing, I think I’ve come to realise that I’m one of those wankers who likes to be chased.

The story so far: I went on two dates with a man. I enjoyed his company, but maybe wasn’t ready to date and maybe didn’t find him attractive. I said ‘thanks but no thanks’. A month later, after a very boring first date with a different man I contacted the first man, realising that the first man was probably actually pretty cool. We talked. We met up. We continue to text.

Before my ‘no thank you’, we were texting all day every day, sometimes to the point of boredom. After my attempt to rekindle, we speak less often and in lower volume. Intellectually, I can recognise that this is great – it’s less intense, gives more space, and it means that any conversations are more interesting because we’re skipping the minutiae.

But! And this is the crucial bit. I liked that there was someone who wanted to message me all the time. Someone to ask me about every little aspect of my day. Of course I reciprocated, and that’s quite fun too! Having a person who wants to involve me in their life.

So now that there’s fewer messages , I feel less wanted. I make more effort to start conversation and to try and be more sparkling or interesting or knowledgeable. It makes each interaction feel more charged. Not necessarily sexually, just that there’s more pressure to fit all the personality into a handful of texts rather than a day’s worth.

I’m also conscious that I feel more attracted to him, and I’m thinking more about kissing him.

Is this shallow? Am I being horrible for making more effort only when I felt like he was cooling off? Is this a technique on his part, kinda like playing hard to get? Is this just a natural response to me saying ‘no thank you’ before, because I initially rejected him?

Am I analysing too much? (Again.)

The proof will be in the pudding. I’m seeing him on Saturday. It’ll be our fourth time of meeting. Let’s see what happens.

Attraction is difficult

I only started to have sexual feelings after I’d first had sex. It wasn’t as if I’d never been curious, or that I didn’t want to have sex. But I don’t think I understood sexual attraction until I’d actually lost my virginity and started to think about what I might like and want.

The first time I had sex was with my ex boyfriend. We’d known each other for a month. He was the first person I’d kissed or touched or had a date with. He’d had a couple of short relationships before me, but he was no lothario. We were both 21. Because I was 21, I felt emotionally ready to have sex, so my first time will always be something I remember fondly – not with any pain, or worry, or sense of coercion.

We were together for five years and we were monogamous (I don’t think polyamory is for me!) so he’s still the only person I’ve ever kissed or had sex with. I used to have a lot of worry about that fact, but it’s nothing shameful or weird, it’s just a fact of me.

So it was only after I’d had sex that I could picture what it would be to have sex with a person. So in the idle crushes I’d get, I could understand what sexual attraction was. My ex and I would talk about crushes we had – I still think of this as healthy, because it meant that we were honest about our feelings. And because the crushes were always transient, it meant that we could appreciate what we were to each other.

Obviously it wasn’t perfect because be dumped me. But that’s not the point I’m making.

In this post-dumping wasteland (is it a wasteland? Is it just my same life, now without a boyfriend?) when I’m starting to think about new people, I’m unsure if I’m supposed to feel sexual attraction to a person I go on a date with.

When I met the ex, I can vividly remember how on our fourth date I felt this urge of wanting to kiss him for the first time. So when we finally did kiss, it was lovely and powerful (and public). When we first had sex, it was spur of the moment, and again I have a vivid memory of ‘fuck it, why not?’ So when I’ve been on this small handful of dates, I’m not sure if I’m supposed to feel that rush as with a lusty crush, or if it’ll creep up on me and I’ll know when the situation arises.

This isn’t hypothetical. I’ve not met up with a man three times and he’s hilarious and intriguing. As in, quick witted, same sense of humour, interesting, varied, layered, quirky. And a handful of other adjectives that are positive. But I don’t have a surge of sexual attraction. Can that build with time? Should I not pursue this because it’s not there right now?

The difficult thing with this is that there’s not answer. I realise that I’m fairly scared of either being rejected or having to reject someone, so the prospect of not having an easy and obvious route is annoying.

Until then, I suppose I’ll just enjoy having someone to laugh out loud with.