He dumped me on Tuesday, and it’s currently the early hours of the morning on Monday. With my night shifts, the days and weeks often blur together, but especially this week, it’s hard to know where I am or quite how I feel or think. I spoke about getting back to work and how it felt positive to be my professional self and not to wallow. But I’m starting to wonder if I need more time just to reflect.

At work, people ask quickly if I’m okay, but they don’t want to hear more. Friends check in, but I’m very conscious that friends will have their own dramas. How long is appropriate to spend on your own feelings? How long is normal to ask for people’s support and genuinely expect them to care? Probably about ten minutes.

My friend came to the house today. He’s getting married in 18 days, and today I helped him write his wedding speech. I’m so happy for him, but it feels bittersweet, as we met our boyfriends at about the same time. He’s getting married, I’ve been dumped.

I don’t want everything to be all about me, that’s never been my personality. I’m introverted and introspective and I don’t often want people’s attentions or questions. But I think maybe this week (this year, this never-ending eternity) I’d quite like some attention.

My friend came to my house expecting to have to pick me up off the floor, and was very relieved that he didn’t have to. There’s a tiny kernel of bitterness in me that feels that neither he or anybody else would actually want to.

I’m hiding behind jokes, and the expansive and positive affirmation that ‘it’s ultimately for the best’. Fuck but it’s easy to divert attention if I say that loudly enough.

We texted today. Me, and the ex. I asked our mutual friend if it might be a good idea. She gave a terse ‘yes’ and hasn’t spoken to me since. Another thing to ponder anxiously in bed at 2am.

I unblocked his number (hello petty self) and messaged to arrange a meet up. We’ll meet on Wednesday, 8 days after the fact. I get a little obsessed with keeping track of the number of days, and I’m looking forward to when that will feel less relevant.

Messaging was horrible. He called me by name. ‘Hi Laura, good to hear from you’! I don’t think I’ve heard him call me Laura for about a year before this last two weeks. It’s always been pet names: ‘sweetheart’ and ‘baby’. The one that always made me feel fuzziest was ‘my love’. But now I’m just Laura.

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